Green Food Dye and Latex

I didn't intend to discuss any morbid topics on this blog, especially this early, so after last night's somber post I thought it would be good equilibrium to write about something humorous. Since Lauren is a primary source of constant laughs and I'm a tad out of sorts this afternoon, I thought I'd tell you a little story about one of her fabulous revenge tactics. She is the queen of redress! Harmless, of course.

Lauren was with her son's father for about 4 years. During her pregnancy he pulled a Houdini and we pretty much thought that he'd been abducted by Xenu, but in reality he was just running scared. On the night Lauren went into labor, Jay showed up at the hospital to celebrate the joyous event of his son's birth. I believe she uttered something to him along the lines of, "Nice to see you showed up, Father of the Year." But that's a side note.

About 3 months after their son was born, Lauren moved in with Jay. He wanted to get back together and play house, convincingly arguing that he was ready to settle down and that he'd realized the error of his ways. He really seemed sincere in his profuse apologies and promises to make everything up to her. Just a short time later, though, Jay returned from a business trip. He threw down his duffel bag in the bedroom, got into the shower, and called out to Lauren, "Can you go in my bag and get me my shaving cream?"

She went into his bag and, indeed, found the shaving cream. What she also found was a pair of earrings (not hers), a thong (not hers), and a slip of paper with a woman's first name and phone number in the jeans he'd so carelessly left on the bed. Composing herself as she always does, she didn't say a word to him and handed the shaving cream over the shower door, meanwhile hiding the thong, earrings, and phone number.

Over the next couple of days, Lauren did some sleuthing. I swear, that girl has a future in private investigation. Through the wonders of the internet and her own ingenuity, she figured out the full name, home, and business addresses of the mysterious woman from the slip of paper in Jay's jeans.

Packing the woman's belongings in a manila folder, Lauren included their son's birth announcement along with a letter and promptly sent the package. The letter wasn't vindictive. She simply pointed out some of Jay's less-than-finer points and ended by saying, "You can have him!" It's my understanding that the woman was quite surprised to learn that Jay was not only attached, but also had a son and refused to ever see him again.

But Lauren was still mad and she wanted some harmless revenge. She obtained a new syringe (thank goodness we have doctor friends) and filled it with green food dye, which you can't scrub off for days no matter how hard you try. Locating Jay's stash of condoms for his road trips, she injected each separate packet with the dye, being very careful not to pierce the actual condom.

Not too much time passed before Jay showed up after a trip, guilty at being caught red-handed. Or more accurately, make that green-handed.