Oh, balls.

It's pretty early in my blogging life to lay this one on you, and even for my friends (you know who you are, and the others who are reading are thanks to Barmaid), this is probably the first you're hearing about this.

My cousin offed himself tonight (not afore mentioned Newscaster Cousin, but a different one). Shot himself in the head, apparently, although we don't have all the details yet. He has a baby, too. Had. Sorry.

I'm disturbed, sad, a bit wacked out. My cousin J. and I weren't super close, but he did confide in me once at another cousin's wedding that he felt closest to me because I seemed to understand him. He was sleeved in tattoos and had 4 tongue rings. I suppose that in our family that wasn't the most acceptable of airs, where we're all attuned to appearances, well-educated and well-versed in terms of appropriate etiquette, though I have a couple of piercings and several tattoos as well. Maybe that's why he thought us to be kindred spirits. I'd prefer to think that it's because I genuinely liked him and found him to be a fascinating person.

J. didn't have the most spotless past, having spent time in the joint for a variety of infractions. I can't defend him on those actions - he was clearly wrong. However, I remember J. visiting my family's house when he was little.... a super-sensitive, smart-as-a-whip kid drinking in the love of my family, relishing every second of it. My Mom used to tell me that if anyone would be affected by the wrongs of the world, it would be him.

I didn't return J.'s last calls to me. He had first asked if he could visit. I was afraid of him in my house, given that I own a gun and he had a history of violence, though never with firearms until tonight. He called me 2 months later to announce that he was going to be a proud father soon. I can't believe that I couldn't find 5 minutes out of my day to call him and congratulate him.

I can't begin to fathom what drove him to shoot himself, but I look at my drama with Ex and I have to put things into perspective. Though I'll, of course, continue to post nutjob stories of Ex and my friends' crazy, fun moments, this puts a lot of my own struggle into perspective. I am clearly not facing J.'s level of pain, and I'm grateful for that. I have to take a little time out tonight and hope that J. is in a better place wherein he's found peace. I just wish he had chosen another route. Maybe he didn't think he had a choice.

R.I.P., J. I'm just sorry that you were in so much pain that it ended this way. And I'm really sorry that I never called you back.