"Hello? I'd like to cancel a tee time, please."

A couple of weeks ago, Lawyer called me at work. Since I can't pick up my cell phone at work, I found the nearest land line and called him back.

"What's going on, Lawyer?"

"Almost, have you noticed anyone following you lately?"

"What do you mean?" My palms were starting to sweat since I've been through this before.

"Well, Ex seems to know every detail about you and I don't know how he could possibly know these things if he didn't have someone following you."

I said, "It wouldn't be the first time, Lawyer, but I can't really talk right now, let me call you on my way home."

Several weeks prior to that call, I had undergone an aggressive face peel. Believe me, the stress of divorce takes a toll on your skin and I am bound and determined not to wind up looking like I've been beaten with a sock full of nickels. I have to be honest, the peel that I had was expensive but it's totally worth it. (Forgive me for pimping this peel, but it freaking rocks.) I looked like something out of a Wes Craven movie for a week and I think I made children cry and adults lose control of their bowels when I had to appear in public, but the results were fabulous.

During that week, my girlfriend Anastasia had come over to my apartment. Anastasia is pretty high up in the ranks of law enforcement, but she's probably not the stereotypical kind of officer you'd imagine. She's a complete badass when it comes to arrests and has wrestled men three times her size into submission, but she's also beautiful with an amazing body, although you can't see it when she has her uniform and bullet-proof vest on. We've accompanied one another to preventative treatments at the Medical Spa more than once and she totally understands my desire to come out on the other side of this divorce looking decent.

When I called Lawyer back after work to find out why he thought I was being followed, he asked, "Who knew about your peel and how much it cost you?"

I thought for a moment and replied, "You, Anastasia, Plastic Surgeon, Aesthetician, Lauren, and Shawn. Why?"

"I received a call from Greasy Attorney today and he was ranting about your non-existent trust fund. Then he went on yelling about how you had a $600 face peel. How could he have known about the peel?"

I had no answer. None of the people who were aware of the now Infamous Peel would have given me up, that much I knew. I told this to Lawyer, and he advised me to be on the lookout for anyone that might be following me. I promised him that I would, and we hung up.

I promptly called Anastasia. Her husband Pete and Ex became friends through us when Ex and I were still supposedly happily married. Best friends. In fact, we joke about how they must make out with each other because they're so close. I thought that perhaps Anastasia had mentioned something about the peel to Pete and he'd said something to Ex. When she answered the phone and I explained the situation, she said, "Almost, I have learned never to divulge any information about you whatsoever. I am definitely not the leak, but I do have a story for you. I'm really pissed off."

It turned out that the day before this phone call, Ex and Pete had an 8:30 tee time for a golf game. Pete left their house an hour before the tee time, but returned only an hour and a half later. Anastasia asked, "Didn't you have golf with Ex this morning?"

Pete replied, "Yes, we did. But the golf pro said that some woman called yesterday and canceled our game. Did you tell Almost that we were playing golf today? Did she call and cancel the game to piss him off?"

Apparently, a mystery female had called the previous day and canceled their tee time. I haven't spoken to Ex since a court date in April and know nothing of his daily activities now, but Ex assumed that I had magically found out about the tee time and called the golf course to cancel. He told Pete that he was sure I had undertaken the cancellation in order to ruin their day.

Anastasia was mad. She told Pete, "Of course I didn't tell Almost, why would I do that? In fact, why would she even care?"

She was right. I don't care. Ex can do whatever he wants and I would never interfere in anything, let alone something so trivial as a golf game.

Though Anastasia was angry, I said, "Don't be mad, it's funny! Can you imagine Ex thinking that I care enough to take the time to make that phone call and cancel his tee time? Hilarious!!" She started laughing, too.

I still can't figure out how Ex knows all of these details about my daily life, and that frustrates me. I'd love to know all the details of his life as he apparently knows about mine, but though I would never waste my time canceling a golf game just in order to piss off Ex, I have to say I think Mystery Golf Game Canceling Woman is my new idol. Cheers to you, baby! Now, who the hell are you??