Dating Rules

I returned Sunday night from my cousin J.'s funeral after several days that were fraught with emotion. It was a difficult weekend, but all of us cousins managed to have some fun on Saturday night at Random Bar catching up on each other's lives and exchanging the good memories we have of J. I was wiped out when I finally arrived back home, probably thanks in part to the tequila shots we drank in J.'s honor.

Since I'm off from work until Thursday for the holiday and I really needed to decompress from the weekend, I went to have a leisurely outdoor lunch today with my girlfriend Jasmine with whom I used to bartend. She bears a striking resemblance to Gabrielle Union and she's gorgeous, so when men would walk into our bar they would often exclaim, "Ebony and Ivory! Something for everyone!" I would recoil at comments like that because they struck me as racist, but Jasmine would just laugh and get them to buy bottle upon bottle of Cristal as our tip jar grew increasingly full.

Jasmine is now the sidekick on our city's most popular morning radio show and she's a local celebrity. We went out about a month ago, and our cab driver nearly drove off the road when he realized that this was the Jasmine of the X and X Show. She still bartends once in awhile, only now it's in the capacity of "startender," and she's nice enough to give all of her tips to the regular bartenders at each place. Listening to her on the radio is a bizarre experience for me. She still mouths off the same way she did when we worked together, only now I can't toast her with a glass of champagne when she says something witty.

But today I was able to toast her with many (and I do mean many) glasses of champagne as we sat outside at a restaurant located on our city's most popular corner. We ended up being joined by several friends, which is what typically happens in our city when the weather is warm and you're sitting outside at one of the country's most famous restaurants. First, The Mayor joined us. He isn't actually our mayor, he's simply the most connected man in town. It's not unusual to hear him say, "Honey, you having problems? Tell me the problem, I'll take care of him," and when a garbage truck passes, he'll laugh and say, "I'll put him in one of those." Then we were joined by Jake, a former NHL player with whom I have a long and somewhat sordid history, but we're just friends now and he's a fabulous person. A few cocktails later, Silvia joined us. She's Jasmine's best friend and now an attorney, but she also used to be a bartender when Jasmine and I were working together.

The conversation turned to marriage, divorce, love and sex. The sex part came when Jake burst out and said, "I just had sex 2 hours ago!" The rest of us looked at him with slack jaws. The Mayor responded with a toast and said, "Here's to you, kid!"

Jasmine bragged, "I had sex last night."

Silvia and I looked around the table and I think we both had a look of disgust. She shook her head and said, "I hate you people."

The Mayor, Jake, and I are divorced (OK, I'm not yet, but I really hope to be soon), Jasmine just happily celebrated her 1 year wedding anniversary, and Silvia is an old maid.

When I say that Silvia is an old maid, I'm repeating her words exactly even though she's only 27. Silvia, like Ava, is Indian and their parents were born and raised in India. Their parents expected them to be married by the age of 25 and thought they'd have at least one child by now. I asked Silvia if her parents had tried to introduce her to acceptable men and marry her off, as have Ava's parents.

"Yes, they tried introducing me to several guys who would come over to our house and bring their entire families."

The rest of us were curious and asked what had happened.

Silvia said, "Thankfully, my mom gave me the heads-up and I made sure I was never there."

We all laughed and started talking about reasons to get married and who not to date, since 4 of the 5 of us are single and do have to think about dating strategies. We all pretty much agreed that the only reason to get married is to have children and other than that, just dating is preferable.

Jasmine said, "My dad told me not to date athletes, no offense, Jake."

He replied, "None taken. If I had a daughter, I wouldn't want her dating one of us either. The opportunity with other women is just too great. I'm glad I have a son."

I said, "My Dad forbade me from dating Actor after he looked him up on Wikipedia."

Silvia said, "I don't think my parents care who I date as long as I get married."

"I date anyone I can as long as they have a great ass. Hey, you two look good on my arms," The Mayor exclaimed while clasping Silvia and Jasmine around their shoulders.

Again, we were all laughing and I asked Jasmine, "Who else did your dad say you could never date?"

We girls started comparing our dads' rules and along with input from Jake and The Mayor, we compiled a list.

1. Never date an athlete.
2. Never date an actor.
3. Never date a club DJ.
4. Never date a military man.
5. Never date a cop.
6. Never date a trader.

Though this really narrowed the selection of men, the final dating rule expanded it by one since it came from The Mayor.

7. Dating The Mayor is the way to go.

We ended up being joined later in the afternoon by the latest American Idol's father and another retired NFLer who used to be a regular at my bar, but that's a story for another time.

Oh, and P.S., many thanks to The Mayor for footing the hefty bill.